Text: Sharon Miller-LeongHow many times have your argued over towels on the floor and homework that's not completed? Bestselling author Andre Mattews shows us how to disagree with your loved ones and still come out smiling.Conflicts, spats or all-out-dinner-plate-flinging fights - call it what you like, arguments are part and parcel of daily living. The good news is it is normal to have disagreements because nobody thinks in the exact same way as you do. Nobody has exactly the same goals. Or value systems. The even better news is there are ways to disagree with your loved ones without arguments erupting into shouting matches or cold, icy silences. And you may even save your favourite dinner plates.
"A good place to start is to stop thinking that everyone has to agree with you. Your mission in life is not to convert everyone to your point of view of religion, music, politics..." says Andrew Matthews, who wrote
Being Happy,
Follow Your Heart,
Being A Happy Teen and most recently,
Happiness Now.
"Some people would rather be right than happy. They think to themselves, 'I am going to keep this argument going till you admit I am right.' Or, they think, 'I won't talk to you till you admit you were wrong'. Once you are prepared to accept that you don't have to be right, it takes an enormous load off your shoulders.
"I have found that the happiest and most effective people welcome employees, partners and just people in their lives who don't see things the way they see it. They celebrate this difference of perception. So try saying to your partner, colleague or family member, 'You and I do not need to agree. The different ways we see things is what makes our relationship/friendship so interesting.' You will find you are so much happier when you throw out this whole idea of needing to be right."
So what if your neighbour supports a loser football team? Or your mother-in-law cooks with too much salt? Or your best friend thinks her ice-cream-only weight loss plan will really work? It is not your mission to change other people or to change the world. When you can see this and accept it, there will be less reason for tempers to flare.
5 Rules for Fighting FriendlyThese are universal ground rules that can be applied to any situation with anyone of any age. You are probably well aware of these guidelines, but they can be so easily forgotten in the heat of the moment.
1 SHOW RESPECT Respect and empathise with the other person's position. Matthews advises, "You will stop pushing against them."
2 LISTEN Stop and genuinely listen. Don't interrupt. Don't shout. "When we are desperate to be heard, we shout at people. And the louder we shout, the less they hear. Strangely, the opposite works. People pay attention to us when we listen," writes Mattews in
Happiness Now.
3 AGREE TO DISAGREE Accept that both parties don't have to agree and it is useful to say it. Matthews sums it up, "There are three alternatives when you argue. Firstly, you can come together with different views and get angry and disagree. Secondly, you can find a way to agree. Or thirdly, you can agree that nobody needs to agree."
4 ACKNOWLEDGE THE GOOD STUFF Don't ignore the positive issues in the topic you are discussing. "In life, you find what you look for. IF you look for good things, you find them. If you look for faults, you find them."
5 DON'T UNDERESTIMATE PEOPLE OR CHILDREN "Children are very accepting. They are without prejudice." If you talk to a child with honesty, respect and love, you are more likely to have a happier outcome. And the same is true when dealing with adults.
Disagreeing With Your Younger ChildScenario Your six-year-old refuses to go to bed at the allocated bedtime. It is the same old story every night and those same old pleas for "just five minutes more" are beginning to grate on your nerves.
What to Consider "I hear a lot of parents saying... 'I want to be a friend to my children.' But their kids already have friends. They don't need more friends. They need parent who will help them make difficult decisions. They need parents who will lay down rules because they love and care for them. And they need parents who will love them no matter what," says Matthews.
What seems to be refusal to listern or comply with household rules is a testing game that children and even adults play. They test to see how far they can go. How much they can get away with. "Children test you to see where the boundaries lie. What they are really looking for is someone to be strong and reliable. They want us to be strong leaders, someone they can look up to. There is a sense of security in knowing that someone will put their money where their mouth is."
What You Should Do "Kids have enormous resilience and determination. If they want something, they don't quit. Their persistence is really something to be admired and endured," says Matthews in Being Happy. So follow their lead and stick to your guns. And don't underestimate your child's ability to empathise and to reason. Explain to your child why she needs her sleep. Appeal to her softer side by telling her that mummy and daddy have had a long day and need to rest, too. Keep at it. Learn from their determination. "If insurance salesmen did their training in kindergarten, maybe 98 per cent of them wouldn't quit in the first 12 months."
Disagreeing With Your Teenager Scenario Your teenage son has been pestering you to buy him a top-of-the-line mobile phone because "everyone else has one". You've come to the point where you've found yourself spouting your mother's oft used line when you were a teenager, "And if everyone jumped off a cliff..."
What to Consider"A mobile phone, designer jeans, $300 sneakers... kids will always pester their parents for stuff. Whether they are five or 15 years old, they believe there is an endless supply of money. They have no concept of budgeting or how much it takes to run a household."
What You Should DoMatthews says, "Firstly what you should not do is five the classic line, 'When I was your age...'. To any teenager, this is irrelevant. Instead, when your teenager asks for, say, an expensive mobile phone, say to him, 'Do you have five minutes? I'd like to show you something.' Then show him real proof of what it takes to run the household. Give him the hard facts. Be honest and upfront and he'll do the math and see how a costly mobile phone figures into the large scheme of things. He will appreciate being included and treated with respect by you. There is no value in creating an illusion that the supply of money is infinite. Kids have empathy and they are smart. Bring them on your side by treating them with respect."
Disagreeing With Your Spouse Scenario Your husband says he'll be home for dinner but he shows up three hours later reeking of alcohol and mumbling an excuse about "drinks with the guys".
What to Consider In his book, Follow Your Heart, Matthews gives this example. "Fred is due home at 6pm, and he is already two hours late. Mary is worried sick. 'What's happened to my Fred?' At 8.15pm, Fred walks in the door. On seeing that he is healthy and all in one piece, she screams at him as if to say, 'If you are going to come home this late, you could have at least had an accident!' Fred begins to shout and Mary switches to the dreaded silent treatment. SOon they quit talking to each other altogether."
Matthews explains that there is connection between love and fear. "A Course in Miracles points out that we have two principal states of mind - love and fear. It suggests that fear is the source of our negative emotions." So in the scenario where the husband returns home late only to find an angry wife, Matthews says, "It's really not about the ruined meal or him coming home late. She's mad at him because she is scared. She's scared that he could have had an accident. She's scared that he doesn't care about her. Her anger is the manifestation of her fear."
What You Should Do"So how is this fear/love concept useful? It enables us to be more honest with ourselves. And we discover we are usually not upset for the reasons we think. We need to honestly ask ourselves what we are afraid of when we experience anger or any intense negative emotion. Admitting our fears helps us to explain our feelings to people we care about. Instead of disagreeing about spoilt dinners, you say with all honesty, 'I'm angry because I am scared when you are late. I shout and scream because I don't know what I would do if something happened to you.' When we admit our fears, we move away from making other people wrong. Admitting vulnerability beats hurling abuse. And when you show this vulnerability, you will find tremendous support from your husband or wife."
Disagreeing With Your Parents Scenario Your parents love to spoil your kids with too many sweets and chocolates. You have tried to tell them to stop doing this but their reply is always the same, "Where's the harm in a few sweets...". You are beginning to wonder how to stand your ground in the face of the sugar-loading grandparents.
What to Consider "Families were invented to teach us about unconditional love," writes Matthews in
Follow Your Heart. 'You can leave your colleagues at the office and your buddies at the bar. But with families it's different. You are stuck with these people who now how to push all your buttons - and you have to learn to love them anyway."
What You Should Do"Firstly, when dealing with family members, especially your parents, remember to recognise the good intentions behind the actions. Acknowledge the good that they have done for you and your children by saying, 'I'm touched that you always remember to bring something for the kids whenever you visit.' Secondly, bring them on your side by making a sincere request not a criticism of their behaviour or their actions. So you could say to them, 'But I am concerned that they may become spoilt by your generosity. You never spoilt me and I truly appreciate that. So I hope you will help me do as good a job with my kids as you did raising me.' You and your parents probably have many points of agreement when it comes to raising children. When you acknowledge these and listen to their points of view, it helps keep emotions from escalating."
TIPS For Keeping Cool When Tempers RiseBefore the blood starts pounding in your head and you say something you might regret, try these three simple strategies Andrew Matthews suggests in
Happiness Now.
- Humility helps! Angry people tend to believe that (a) they are more important than everyone else, and (b) that they are always right. When they don't get what they want, they get angry. Relax a little. Allow for others to sometimes get what they want.
- Decide what is really important in your life, say, on a scale from one to 10. You might rank having enough food to eat as nine out of 10. You might rank having a job at seven, idiot drivers at two and slow lifts at zero. When you have things in perspective, you don't get upset over details.
- Accept what is. Angry people love to argue with reality! They say things like, "It shouldn't be raining!" or "Thieves shouldn't steal!" It is a waste of energy. When you argue with reality, reality wins!
Extracted from Family:December 2005