In-Laws . Your Survival Guide

Terrible in-laws? Survive them by applying a little psychology, say the experts.

Your husband or wife is a dream. But why, oh why, do his or her folks have to be walking nightmares? If your in-laws make the Addams Family seem sweet, married life can be a minefield.

Don't despair. According to the experts, you can survive your in-laws, simply by applying a little psychology.

The problem, which you have probably suspected for years, is that in-laws can actually make you ill. when Dr Thomas Holmes, professor of psychiatry at the Univeristy of Washington, ran tests on 394 volunteers to see what effect major family events had on their health, he included in-laws.

"We showed that simply discussing an impending visit by a disliked mother-in-law, say, could cause physiological change indicative of a diseased state," he said.

Dr Holmes took cell samples from patients' nasal membranes while they were in a "neutral state". Then, researchers discussed a life situation, such as expecting a visit from in-laws.

"We noticed that the patient would begin to react. The tissue in the nose would get red, wet and swollen," he said. "At that point, we took a second biopsy. The comparison showed the nasal tissues had changed.

"They were just like those you would find in the course of developing a nasal disease - a cold. Patients mentioned their mothers-in-law so often that we came to consider them a common cause of disease."

So, is a mother-in-law really the meddlesome monster that comedians and cartoonists make out - or is she one of the most misunderstood people in the world?

The truth is that more than one couple in three in the West have mother-in-law trouble, according to recent surveys. Three quarters of this number get along "fairly well", either by keeping a kind of armed truce or "walking on eggs" when the situation gets strained.

As for the rest, the relationship ranges from cold war to open hostility.

The problem with mother-in-law who become meddlesome, say socialogists, is that their lives have completely centred round their children. When their son or daughter marries, they suddenly find themselves with no purposeful activity. Time on their hands offers an opportunity to focus solely on what you are doing.

If there was ever a manual for mothers-in-law, it should contain the following golden rules, say experts.

• Cultivate some absorbing outside interests when your children marry.
• Maintain a hands-off policy and let them live their lives.
• Restrain yourself from giving unasked-for-advice.
• Never say: "I told you so."
• Remember that children need time to adjust to marriage - and they can best work it out without interference.

Interfering in-laws not only impose unwanted pressure on couples, but also make them secretly question their attitude to each other. Will your partner one day become like mum or dad and stop being the person you know and love? There are two-way fears.

"It's worth remembering that, while you have to put up with your in-laws' eccentricities, (your spouse) had to put up with your parents' ways," says Dr Beverly Steffert of Britain's Institute of Psychiatry. "Your other half may feel just the same.

"Patterns may be set in families, but we're individuals, too. We don't have to become our parents, even if we do take on some of their traits."

The key to avoiding in-law trouble is to prevent tensions building up by tackling problems as they happen. Despite your best efforts, you will have arguments. It wouldn't be natural if you didn't.

Often, they are over trivial things - older folk find it harder to tolerate the mess of children, for instance. The knack is avoiding situations where one generation feels they are always giving in to the other.

Life at home can become a sanctuary away from in-laws. When they move in, it can turn into a pressure cooker.

"Even a simple thing like which TV programme to watch can cause arguments," says Zelda West-Meads of Relate, formerly Britain's Marriage Guidance Council. "If you can provide some degree of separateness, so much the better."

For instance, you can turn your bedroom into a living room apart. If you can't do this, you must plan how you are going to go about day-to-day living.

Have a family conference and put forward suggestions. You won't meet all of them and you will have to compromise, but this is better than just letting things happen. It avoids a situation where problems build up and one person feels they are always giving way.

"Everybody needs privacy and it can be fatal if you are always together," says Zelda. "In-laws should be aware that there are times when a younger couple will want to be alone. They should not feel hurt or rejected when it is suggested that they go out, so that the young couple can relax with friends of their own age.

"A couple should not take it for granted that the in-laws will always be prepared to act as unpaid babysitters. There will be times when they will be happy to do so, but they have their lives to live too.

"Couples often feel inhibited when a parent moves into their homes. Don't be afraid to carry on being affectionate towards each other, to touch or sit next to each other on the sofa if that's what you like doing," Zelda adds.

"And try to arrange it so that your bedroom is not next door to your in-laws." That really kills passion! - IPS



QuIcKtIpS
Event he best marriages aren't immune from in-law problems. Relatives can stir up trouble in any marriage, but you can keep them from wrecking relationships with a few expert psychological tips.

Here's what Dr Frederic Flach, professor of psychiatry at Cornell University, recommends:

• BE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER "This is the most important single step you can take to prevent relatives from wrecking your marriage. By trusting each other, being loyal to each other always and putting your marriage above all other family ties, you will build a union no relative can damage."
• BE DIPLOMATIC Remember, your partner can say things about his or her family that you can't. Join in the criticism and your partner might turn on you.
• WIN YOUR RELATIVES OVER Make them your friends, remember their birthdays, offer to do little favours for them. You'll build a reputation among your in-laws as being friendly, dependable and eager to help.
• HAVE A "FOREIGN POLICY" If war looms, follow the example of government. Keep relations open by being personally polite. Don't stop seeing "problem" relatives, but limit your visits. "By doing this, you are defusing the problem and never allowing the unpleasantness to affect your marriage," Dr Flach says.

Extracted from Family:May 2005