Talk! Even a Little Goes a Long Way

Skillful communication between a couple can enhance a harmonious relationship or smoothen a strained one. Sadly, many of my clients who seek counselling for their marital challenges often cite ineffective communication as major problem. There are ways a couple can improve in this area, and I have found the following to be useful:

1. See another perspective Occasionally say "Maybe you're right" in a conversation that involves an exchange of views. Do not be surprised if the statement is as powerful as "I love you".
2. Tone down Some people have the misguided belief that talking much and often equates good communication. I once asked a couple in counselling what they would like to see changed in the other, and the husband said: "I'd like her not to talk too much and too loudly. It's very tiring and annoying."
3. Show appreciation Express your appreciation. By the same token, be aware that the lack of such can lead to an upset partner who may say: "I'm fed up with her complaining that I have not done this and that. What about the things I have done?"
4. Avoid generalisations Statements like: "You are always late" or "You don't care about your children" put your partner on the defensive and invite retaliation.
5. Tamper your expectations Very often, wives complain their husbands are so quiet that they feel concerned and even suspicious. If you force a reserved man to talk, he may become resentful. Pay attention to non-verbals that show he does care. One wife, when asked to list one positive quality about her husband, said: "Although he hardly speaks, I feel touch whenever he helps out with the children's studies despite his busy schedule."
6. Listen When you listen to your partner, he/she feels acknowledged, accepted and respected. He/she is then likely to return your courtesy by willingly and actively listening to you too.
7. Beopen and honest This may trigger an emotional bond or enhance an existing one. But weigh the consequences, because sometimes a well-intentioned gesture can backfire, eg. if you confess that you have been giving monthly allowances to your siblings, your wife may conclude your family is imposing.

A skillful balance between verbals and non-verbals that meets the needs of respect, appreciation, care and concern, understanding, encouragement, validation and admiration can go a long way towards promoting and maintaining a healthy relationship. Find your optimum balance and accept it graciously.


Psychotherapist Ang Thiam Hong, authour of Couple Communications, is a family counsellor in private practice. For enquiries, please call Tel: 6235 1250 or visit www.taracounselling.com



Extracted from Family:March 2005