Daniel Koh's 7-Point Plan and 7 Vital DOs and DON'Ts

When dealing with difficult behaviour, it is tempting for a parent to lose control. So set clear limits for your children and be consistent with discipline.

1. STAY CALM
Avoid yelling and screaming, since this teaches a child that it's all right to lose control if you don't get your way. If the situation is escalating to a point of no return, parent should take a break to regain his/her composure. This will keep him/her in control of the situation.

2. SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT
When a child is behaving badly, a parent should firmly say, "No! Don't slam the door." If he/she gives an amused "No, don't do that, sweetie", he/she sends the kid a mixed messages - is Daddy/Mummy telling me not to do that or is she happy that I did it? This half-hearted response won't discourage him/her from slamming the doors.

3. REINFORCE GOOD BEHAVIOUR
Rather than paying attention to a child only when he/she is misbehaving, a parent should try to catch him/her being good. Offer appropriate comments like, 'What a nice gesture! That was good of you to offer the biscuit to your sister/brother."

4. OFFER REWARDS
A parent could also set up a reward system for good behaviour. The consequences for bad behaviour should also be considered. For example, time out and/or taking away TV privileges.

5. OFFER PRAISES
A parent should offer praises for good behaviour (eg "I'm proud you managed to behave very well just now"). If children act up when they go out, a parent should just ignore them.

6. DO NOT GIVE IN
A parent should stay firm and not give in to children's demands especially when they misbehave out of the house. Once they realise their behaviour does not have any effect on the parents, they may stop what they are doing.

7. DISTRACT AND DIVERT
If a parent sees a toy store that's bound to send the kids into an "I-want" frenzy, a parent should steer them away or divert their attention.


7 Vital DOs and DON'Ts
DO remember to give rewards and praise for good behaviour. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your child to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided.

DON'T focus on negatives all the time, especially when offering positive reinforcement. It is much better to say,"I like that you put all of your clothes away" instead of saying "I like that, for once, you're putting your clothes away without my asking."

DO offer options. Your child wants to feel independent and in control. So rather than issuing a flat-out denial when he begs for a piece of candy before lunch, offer him a choice between grapes and apple slices. Though he may not be thrilled with the choices you've offered him, he will eventually learn to accept them.

DON'T use physical punishment all the time. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment. It should only be reserved for very serious offences and perhaps only as last resort.

DO ignore minor infractions. Life presents plenty of meaningful opportunities to teach your child discipline. If he's making a mess out of his painting materials and you're not going anywhere, why not just let him be?

DON'T always say "no". Instead, clearly state what he can do. Rather than barking, "No! Don't throw the ball in the living room," for instance, try "Let's go outside to play ball."

DO choose your battles. If your fashion-savvy child wants to wear his neon green pants with his orange shirt, let it go! There are other more important battles to fight.


Extracted from The Singapore Women's Weekly - April 2005