Managing Conflict

Conflicts are inevitable in a marriage. So being able to manage a conflict when it rears its ugly head is all-important.

Most couple who consult Mrs Theresa Bung, a family and marital counsellor at Family Society, ask her how they can avoid conflict in their marriage.

I'd rather they ask me how to manage conflict without hurting each other," she says. "I don't encourage avoiding conflict."

In avoiding conflict, you may not tackle important issues that are vital to a good marriage, she explains. It's good to deal with these issues that are vital to a good marriage, she explains. It's good to deal with these issues to strengthen the marriage.

She warns, too, that unresolved conflicts can lead to other problems, like excessive drinking or even depression, in a spouse.

Mrs Bung shares here five common conflicts that often arise between couples and offers ways to manage these conflicts and create a stronger, more harmonious marriage.

1. MONEY
"Quarrels often arise because of one partner's excessive spending. It's good for couples to discuss money issues prior to marriage. Sit down and do some mutual money goal setting. Who contributes to the household expenses and what percentage of either the husband's and/or wife's income will go to this; how much to give to in-laws; who manages the bank account; who decides what to spend on; how much should be set aside as savings.

2. COMMUNICATION
"The lack of proper communication is another common cause of conflict. People often react rather than respond and are not sensitive to each other. One or both partners may not be open to communication for fear of what the other partner will think. Or a spouse may short-circuit the conversation, so the other partner is not allowed to finish what he or she wants to say. A lack of communication can cause a couple to drift apart.

It's best not to judge or react. Calmly listen before responding. Don't attack character and do not say what you don't mean. Express yourself in a way that is not critical or that will belittle the other party. Practice using 'I' rather than 'you'. 'I' statements express your thoughts and feelings and are more constructive than 'you' statements which tend to attack the other party.

Be sensitive to timing, too, and choose the right time to talk. If a spouse is not a night person, it's not a good idea to hold discussions late at night."

3. EXCESSIVE ANGER
"This can cause a partner to become verbally abusive and could turn to violence, too. The opposite reaction, where the angry spouse withdraws and avoids talking, is equally damaging, as he or she becomes like a volcano that's just waiting to erupt.

It helps to determine the trigger for the anger. Respond to the anger by expressing yourself appropriately. Look for the truth in what the person is saying. Apologise and forgive. This situation requires understanding.

The angry spouse ought to acknowledge his or her anger, too, and admit it if he or she is wrong. Take time out to think through and reflect on the situation."

4. MANAGING THE CHILDREN
"People tend to bring up their children in the same way they were brought up. If not talked through, this could lead to conflict between a couple.

Sit down and establish consistent parenting rules. The bottom-line is what's good for the child. Decide who makes the decisions and disciplines the child. This should be done by one spouse so the child will always look to that parent for decision making.

If you can't agree on child management issues, it's best to discuss your differences behind closed doors, not in front of the children. And don't make a child take sides.

Make it a point to spend time - together or separately - with the children so the kids have equal quality time with each parent."

5. IN-LAWS
"This is another common area of conflict. It's important for a couple to discuss how much money to give to in-laws and how much time to spend with them. It can be stressful if both partners are working and need to be at their parents' place on weekends. If this is the case, then the couple can perhaps agree to reserve the last weekend of each month for themselves.

Do not criticise each other's parents or siblings. Instead, try to understand each other's family background, rules, culture and expectations."



www.family.gov.sg