Using Positive Language to Raise Your Influencing Skills

By DR PATRICK LOW KIM CHENG

Which do you think is more influential? A positive-sounding letter or a negative one?

When writing, most of us can easily fall into the use of negative language. Many do so without being aware of it. It is, for example, common for public service officers to write negatively worded letters to customers. Taka look at this typical government memo:

"We regret to inform you that we cannot process your application to register your business name, since you have neglected to provide sufficient information. Please complete ALL sections of the attached form and return it to us."

While it is polite though overly formal, it is also exceedingly negative. Several negative words "cannot" and "neglected" are used. It has a tone that suggests the receipient is to be blamed for the problem. The word "regret" gives the impression that someone has passed away.

Positive Approach
Positive words, to paraphrase the Book of Proverbs, are pleasant and like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Take this more positive approach instead:

"Congratulations on your new business. To register your business name, we need some additional information. If you return the attached form, with highlighted areas filled in, we'll be able to send you your business registration certificate within two weeks. We wish you success in your new endeavour."

Is this not more positive and pleasant to the reader? The negative example relays to the person what he has done wrong and does not emphasise the positive remedy. The information is there, but it sounds bureaucratic, cold and negative. The positive example sounds completely different. Although it contains almost identical information, the latter has a more upbeat and helpful tone.

The words one uses can be a very powerful tool. Whether one communicates orally, or in written form, the choice of words will affect how the message is received. Even when one is conveying unpleasant news, the impact can be cushioned by the use of positive language.

When communicating with clients, employees, or other people, one can use positive language. This helps to project a helpful, positive image and one that is more influential.

Remember the naysayer, he is the person who often criticises ideas, and always provides reasons why things won't work. The extreme naysayer rarely offers suggestions or alternatives, but is very good at picking holes at the ideas of others. Avoid being such a person.

If you have worked with such a person, you'll know that this kind of negative communication is very tiring for those around. The constant challenging of the naysayer, while it may stimulate discussion, also creates a negative environment, depresses one's high spirit, and increases conflict.

Naysayers may not always have negative attitudes, they simply use language that gives the impression of negativity. They have not learned to phrase their comments in more positive ways.

Negative words or phrases cast doubts and as Buddha says: "Doubt separates people. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills". Negative phrasing often have these characteristics:

1. They include words like "can't", "won't", "unable to", that tell the recipient what the sender cannot do.
2. They tell the recipient what cannot be done.
3. They have a subtle tone of blame.
4. They do not stress positive actions that would have positive consequences.

Positive words and language is more attractive to the receiver. They usually have these qualities.

1. They tell the recipient what can be done.
2. They suggest alternatives available to the recipient.
3. They sound helpful and encouraging and have personal warmth.
4. They stress positive action and positive result can be anticipated.

Negative words and phrases can affect the receiver's moods. They can make the receiver feel that he is to be blamed, and less enthusiastic about the matter.

To have positive communication, the first task is to identify and eliminate common negative words and phrases. The following should be avoided whenever possible.

Expressions that suggest carelessness:

• You overlooked enclosing...
• You failed to include...
• You neglected to specify...

Phrases that suggest the person is lying:

• You claim that...
• You say that...
• You state that...

Demanding phrases that imply coercion or pressure:

• You should (must)...
• You ought to...
• We must ask you to...

Expressions that imply the recipient is not sensible or bright:

• We cannot see how you...
• We are shocked to know...
• We fail to understand...

Phrases that might be interpreted as sarcastic or patronising:

• No doubt...
• You understand, of course...
• We will thank you to...

Positive Phrasing
Good words are worth much and cost little. If you want to raise your influence over others, you should get rid of negative phrases. To do so, you'll need to replace them with positive ways of conveying the same information. Here are a few examples of positive phrasing:

1. The information suggests that you have a different viewpoint on this issue. Let me explain our view.
2. May we suggest that you...
3. If you can send us (whatever), we can complete the process for you.
4. One option is for you to...
5. We can help you to (whatever) if you can send us...

Negative language conveys a poor image to customers, and to those around us. Sometimes it causes discomfort and conflict. Start using positive language with your written material and after getting the knack of writing positively, it will be easier to change your spoken language to a more positive tone. In our interactions with others gentleness, kindness, and respect are the source of harmony.


Dr Patrick Low Kim Cheng teaches entrepreneurship, managing negotiations, and organisational behaviour at the MBA level at the Kazakhstan Institute of Management, Economics & Strategic Research.



Extracted from Today's Manager / Jun-Jul 2005

Reluctance to Share Information

Asians are generally slow in sharing information, especially with people that are not familiar with. In the perfect knowledge-sharing model, managers are valued not because they know more than their staff, but because they can quickly communicate what they know and get staff members to do the same with the others.

By DAVID WEE

How many are comfortable sharing what they know? Clearly, if the people responsible for managing, promoting, and leading the sharing knowledge are uncomfortable about sharing, we have a big human problem, not a technology problem.

In the perfect knowledge-sharing model, managers are valued not because they know more than their staff, but because they can quickly communicate what they know and get staff members to do the same with the others. Leaders build environments of trust and mutual respect where creative contribution is nurtured, and where employees at all levels understand that being succesful in this networked world increasingly requires collaboration.

This is easier said than done. There are many reasons why people are reluctant to share what they know. They are busy and don't have time to share. They forget to share. They don't want the additional work and responsibility that goes with sharing.

Here are the top four reasons why people don't tell what they know:

1. People believe that knowledge is power
"If I know something you don't know, I have something over you," they say.

Most people still struggle with the idea that "if I tell you what I know, I lose something". When a company's evaluation, promotion, and compensation are based on relative numbers, the perception is that sharing knowledge will reduce the chance of personal success.

Therefore, the obvious solution is to change the reward system. Find ways to reinforce and reward knowledge sharing. Recognise and promote people who learn, teach, and share. In all best-practices companies, hoarding knowledge and failing to build on ideas of others have visible and sometimes serious career consequences. Leverage on what you know by educating colleagues, writing, helping others, and teaching junior staff is how you build your reputation as a world-class thought leader.

2. People are insecure about the value of their knowledge
People tend to underestimate life experiences and for some without a formal education, it is hard for them to believe that they can add valie to life in a very different way.

There are mini-cultures in every organisation. Regardless of the overall corporate culture, individual managers and team leaders can nurture a climate for collaboration within their own work group. The best of these leaders do so by taking the time and effort necessary to make people feel safe and valued. They emphasise people's strengths while encouraging the sharing of mistakes and lessons learned. They set clear expectations for outcomes and clarify individual roles. They help all members recognise what each of them brings to the team. They model openness, vulnerability, and honesty. They tell stories of group successes and personal challenges. Most of all, they encourage and respect everyone's contribution.

3. People don't trust each other
One common remark is: "I didn't know the other members of the team personally, so I didn't trust them."

A culture for collaboration must be based on trust. Yet, too often, in the rush to get started on a project, we get groups of people together and tell them to get to work. This approach proves less than productive, as the group hasn't had time to discover each other's strengths and weakness nor to develop a comman understanding and vision of the project.

Even the motivation for individuals to contribute knowledge to an electronic database is largely dependent on the relationship of the members who use the system. If individuals do not trust others with their knowledge, or don't trust that others will contribute in kind, it is unlikely that the system will be effective. Technology can facilitate knowledge sharing but it is trust that enables it.

Since some people are naturally reluctant to share information with others when they don't know them well enough, the solution begins with creating opportunities for people to meet and interact in both formal and informal settings. Don't rush them. Give them time to develop relationships, to evaluate each other's strengths and weaknesses well enough to adapt constructively to them. Taking time to build this social capital at the beginning of a project increases the effectiveness of the team later.

Trust is fragile. Built slowly over time, it grows as people take small risks and wait for those acts of faith to be justified and reciprocated. Unless there are reserves of trust, it can be destroyed overnight. When trust is pervasive, it becomes the force that energises teammates, releases creative contribution, and makes working together both productive and a joy.

4. Employees are afraid of negative consequences
We often hear this remark: "I was afraid that my idea would be ridiculed if it were slightly 'over the top,' rather than looked at as a useful brain-storming point."

The big obstacle to innovation is "any process, educational, scientific, or organisational, that stops the flow of ideas."

It becomes crucial then, to eliminate the barriers to the free flow of ideas. Everyone has knowledge that will be important to someone else, and you never know whose input is going to become an essential part of a solution.

When insights and opinions are ridiculed, criticised or ignored, people feel threatened and "punished" for contributing. They typically react by withdrawing from the conversation.

Conversely, when people are free to ask "dumb" questions, challenge the rules, and offer novel or even bizarre suggestions, then sharing knowledge becomes a creative process of blending diverse opinion, expertise, and perspectives towards a shared objective.


David Wee is CEO of DW Associates Pte Ltd and Asia Speakers Bureau.




Extracted from Today's Manager / Dec 2005-Jan 2006

5 Steps to Saying Sorry

Is there someone you've hurt? Pick up the courage to apologise. Edwin Tan, counsellor from The Brief Therapy Centre, shares strategies on how to make an apology and mean it.

1 Identify your mistake. Before you say sorry to the person, you have to be sure of what you're apologising for. Sit down, take your time and think through what you did wrong and how you have hurt the other person. Put yourself in the person's shoes and recognise his or her feelings caused by your actions.

2 Take responsibility. Stop making excuses or blaming others. If you have done something wrong, stand up and admit it. You need to face up to your own wrongdoings and make positive rectification.

3 Express remorse and sincerity. Run through what you want to say and how you are going to say it. The approach is very important because you are the one at fault. When apologising face-to-face, maintain eye contact and pay attention to your tone. Rule of thumb: If you truly mean what you say, it will come naturally and the other person will be able to feel it.

4 Suggest positive action. Next, watch the person's response and handle it sensitively. You have to do some damage control and propose a solution (usually a behavioural change on your part). Suggest something realistic and make sure you keep to it.

5 Give assurance. If you break the trust again, you have to bear your own consequences. So, don't set the stage for your own doom. Remember, our Simply Her guide works only once!


Extracted from Simply Her / February 2005

Work It Out: How to Read Body Language in the Business World

You don't have to communicate well with colleagues

Body language makes up 50 to 100 per cent of a conversation, whether we mean it to or not. Since people don't always say what they mean at work, Robert Phipps, a UK body language expert, tells you how to interpret non-verbal clues:

Be a copycat If someone is on the same wavelength as you, they'll often adopt the same postures as you. But if a person's body and fee are turned away from you, even though they're looking at you, it means they'd rather be moving the way their feet are pointing.

Cross it off Most people cross their arms if they're feeling defensive or negative. So even if someone says they agree with you, if they then cross their arms they really don't. Their critical stance will continue until they have uncrossed their arms, so try to find out what's bothering them or draw them out by handling them something to look at or asking them to do a task, such as writing something down.

Thought-provoking If you're training someone, it's useful to know how their mind works. If a person's eyes move up and to the left while you're talking to them, they process information visually, if the eyes only move left they think in terms of sounds, but eyes moving to the right and down indicates they learn through their feelings.

True lies When someone is lying they tend to become generally less expressive with their hands, but make a lot of shrugging and hand-to-face gestures. Hands or fingers covering the mouth indicate deceit - the brain is subconsciously telling the hand to suppress the deceitful words.

Getting ahead Tilting the head to the side indicates an interest in what's being said. When people drop their heads they are displaying a negative, judgmental or critical attitude. Using a hand to support your head suggest that boredom has set in.


Extracted from Reader's Digest

Daniel Koh's 7-Point Plan and 7 Vital DOs and DON'Ts

When dealing with difficult behaviour, it is tempting for a parent to lose control. So set clear limits for your children and be consistent with discipline.

1. STAY CALM
Avoid yelling and screaming, since this teaches a child that it's all right to lose control if you don't get your way. If the situation is escalating to a point of no return, parent should take a break to regain his/her composure. This will keep him/her in control of the situation.

2. SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT
When a child is behaving badly, a parent should firmly say, "No! Don't slam the door." If he/she gives an amused "No, don't do that, sweetie", he/she sends the kid a mixed messages - is Daddy/Mummy telling me not to do that or is she happy that I did it? This half-hearted response won't discourage him/her from slamming the doors.

3. REINFORCE GOOD BEHAVIOUR
Rather than paying attention to a child only when he/she is misbehaving, a parent should try to catch him/her being good. Offer appropriate comments like, 'What a nice gesture! That was good of you to offer the biscuit to your sister/brother."

4. OFFER REWARDS
A parent could also set up a reward system for good behaviour. The consequences for bad behaviour should also be considered. For example, time out and/or taking away TV privileges.

5. OFFER PRAISES
A parent should offer praises for good behaviour (eg "I'm proud you managed to behave very well just now"). If children act up when they go out, a parent should just ignore them.

6. DO NOT GIVE IN
A parent should stay firm and not give in to children's demands especially when they misbehave out of the house. Once they realise their behaviour does not have any effect on the parents, they may stop what they are doing.

7. DISTRACT AND DIVERT
If a parent sees a toy store that's bound to send the kids into an "I-want" frenzy, a parent should steer them away or divert their attention.


7 Vital DOs and DON'Ts
DO remember to give rewards and praise for good behaviour. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your child to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided.

DON'T focus on negatives all the time, especially when offering positive reinforcement. It is much better to say,"I like that you put all of your clothes away" instead of saying "I like that, for once, you're putting your clothes away without my asking."

DO offer options. Your child wants to feel independent and in control. So rather than issuing a flat-out denial when he begs for a piece of candy before lunch, offer him a choice between grapes and apple slices. Though he may not be thrilled with the choices you've offered him, he will eventually learn to accept them.

DON'T use physical punishment all the time. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment. It should only be reserved for very serious offences and perhaps only as last resort.

DO ignore minor infractions. Life presents plenty of meaningful opportunities to teach your child discipline. If he's making a mess out of his painting materials and you're not going anywhere, why not just let him be?

DON'T always say "no". Instead, clearly state what he can do. Rather than barking, "No! Don't throw the ball in the living room," for instance, try "Let's go outside to play ball."

DO choose your battles. If your fashion-savvy child wants to wear his neon green pants with his orange shirt, let it go! There are other more important battles to fight.


Extracted from The Singapore Women's Weekly - April 2005

What Are You Saying?

If your colleagues tend to sniff at what you say before you even get to the heart of your argument, you could be in need a speech fix.

PROBLEM #1 SPEAKING TOO SOFTLY: Gives the impression you've got no good input
Fix it!
Try humming before an important phone call or presentation to improve your resonance. Blend numbers into your hum ("hmmm ... one ... hmmm ... two ...) till you reach five. If it's a confidence problem, give yourself time to hit an assertive volume level, say, within three weeks. Up your volume at every meeting until you reach your goal.

PROBLEM #2 MISPRONOUNCING WORDS: Lowers credibility and makes you look sloppy
Fix it!
Go through your speech before the meeting. Check for proper pronunciation with the audio feature of an online dictionary like Merriam-Webster Online at m-w.com. And remember, simple language is always the most effective.

PROBLEM #3 USING A QUESTION TONE: Shows insecurity and sabotages your authority
Fix it!
If your colleagues go to you for a solution, you should provide the answer and not turn it into a question that needs validating, for instance, "The solution would be XYZ?" If you want to be treated like an expert, start acting like one.

PROBLEM #4 USING VERBAL VIRUSES: Makes you sound like a bumbling teenager
Fix it!
Pause every time you feel an "um" or "you know" coming. Ask friends to give you a gentle tap each time you let one slip into your speech. Aware of your habit now? Good, now squash it.


Extracted from Cleo May 2006 (Deborah Tan)

Tips on Effective Communication

• Train staff to have good writing skills
• Be persuasive
• Avoid propaganda
• Ensure that your message is clear, concise and complete (3Cs)
• Don't merely recite data, give your interpretation
• Announce major changes to the staff before a press release is made
• Remember that businesses do not talk to other businesses, instead people in business talk with other people
• Avoid being long-winded in your message
• Know that communication is a two-way process: Give your views and be prepared to recieve feedback
• Realise that some communication problems can be easily mended by an awareness of potential problems, by training and education, and by an appreciation of the needs of the target audience. - TCT

Extracted from Today's Manager Apr - May 2005