Managing Conflict

Conflicts are inevitable in a marriage. So being able to manage a conflict when it rears its ugly head is all-important.

Most couple who consult Mrs Theresa Bung, a family and marital counsellor at Family Society, ask her how they can avoid conflict in their marriage.

I'd rather they ask me how to manage conflict without hurting each other," she says. "I don't encourage avoiding conflict."

In avoiding conflict, you may not tackle important issues that are vital to a good marriage, she explains. It's good to deal with these issues that are vital to a good marriage, she explains. It's good to deal with these issues to strengthen the marriage.

She warns, too, that unresolved conflicts can lead to other problems, like excessive drinking or even depression, in a spouse.

Mrs Bung shares here five common conflicts that often arise between couples and offers ways to manage these conflicts and create a stronger, more harmonious marriage.

1. MONEY
"Quarrels often arise because of one partner's excessive spending. It's good for couples to discuss money issues prior to marriage. Sit down and do some mutual money goal setting. Who contributes to the household expenses and what percentage of either the husband's and/or wife's income will go to this; how much to give to in-laws; who manages the bank account; who decides what to spend on; how much should be set aside as savings.

2. COMMUNICATION
"The lack of proper communication is another common cause of conflict. People often react rather than respond and are not sensitive to each other. One or both partners may not be open to communication for fear of what the other partner will think. Or a spouse may short-circuit the conversation, so the other partner is not allowed to finish what he or she wants to say. A lack of communication can cause a couple to drift apart.

It's best not to judge or react. Calmly listen before responding. Don't attack character and do not say what you don't mean. Express yourself in a way that is not critical or that will belittle the other party. Practice using 'I' rather than 'you'. 'I' statements express your thoughts and feelings and are more constructive than 'you' statements which tend to attack the other party.

Be sensitive to timing, too, and choose the right time to talk. If a spouse is not a night person, it's not a good idea to hold discussions late at night."

3. EXCESSIVE ANGER
"This can cause a partner to become verbally abusive and could turn to violence, too. The opposite reaction, where the angry spouse withdraws and avoids talking, is equally damaging, as he or she becomes like a volcano that's just waiting to erupt.

It helps to determine the trigger for the anger. Respond to the anger by expressing yourself appropriately. Look for the truth in what the person is saying. Apologise and forgive. This situation requires understanding.

The angry spouse ought to acknowledge his or her anger, too, and admit it if he or she is wrong. Take time out to think through and reflect on the situation."

4. MANAGING THE CHILDREN
"People tend to bring up their children in the same way they were brought up. If not talked through, this could lead to conflict between a couple.

Sit down and establish consistent parenting rules. The bottom-line is what's good for the child. Decide who makes the decisions and disciplines the child. This should be done by one spouse so the child will always look to that parent for decision making.

If you can't agree on child management issues, it's best to discuss your differences behind closed doors, not in front of the children. And don't make a child take sides.

Make it a point to spend time - together or separately - with the children so the kids have equal quality time with each parent."

5. IN-LAWS
"This is another common area of conflict. It's important for a couple to discuss how much money to give to in-laws and how much time to spend with them. It can be stressful if both partners are working and need to be at their parents' place on weekends. If this is the case, then the couple can perhaps agree to reserve the last weekend of each month for themselves.

Do not criticise each other's parents or siblings. Instead, try to understand each other's family background, rules, culture and expectations."



www.family.gov.sg

The Best Gift To Give Your Child

Text: Imelda Lee

It's comforting for kids to know their parents are still an item, says a family life coach in the first part of our cover story special.

When a couple is committed to their relationship, the children feel it. Whether or not children give much thought to the marital bonding they witness, they will be working from this framework when they themselves are in a relationship.

"The children are fully aware that mum and dad are an item. They find it amusing and comforting that their parents talk so frequently and laugh a lot," he says. "There are disagreements, but the fireworks are like sparklers in a child's hand. It only gets a little more heated when it involves the children. To the eldest, a couple who tease each other must have a lot going for them."

3 Ways to Keep Love's Fire Kindled

1. Treat each other with common courtesy and endearments. Make requests rather than demands.
2. See each other off and welcome each other back with a generous smile and hug.
3. Turn in at night on a positive note. Don't let an unresolved issue create that wedge in the confines of your bed. Agree to disagree. Realistically, not everything can be resolved at short notice if it is a contentious issue. Take time to process it amicably.

Want Deeper Intimacy?
Add SPICE, says Simon Sim.
Intimacy between couples involves opening their inner selves to each other.

SPIRITUAL Share your souls.
PHYSICAL Share your bodies exclusively with each other.
INTELLECT Share your thoughts.
COMPANIONSHIP Spend time together and discuss what happens during the time you are apart. No hard and fast rules. Do what works and what does not degenerate into a boring routine.
EMOTIONS Share your feelings. When your spouse shares, you listen without judgement. Admit your mistakes and apologies.




Extracted from Family:December 2005

How to Fight Fair

Text: Sharon Miller-Leong

How many times have your argued over towels on the floor and homework that's not completed? Bestselling author Andre Mattews shows us how to disagree with your loved ones and still come out smiling.

Conflicts, spats or all-out-dinner-plate-flinging fights - call it what you like, arguments are part and parcel of daily living. The good news is it is normal to have disagreements because nobody thinks in the exact same way as you do. Nobody has exactly the same goals. Or value systems. The even better news is there are ways to disagree with your loved ones without arguments erupting into shouting matches or cold, icy silences. And you may even save your favourite dinner plates.

"A good place to start is to stop thinking that everyone has to agree with you. Your mission in life is not to convert everyone to your point of view of religion, music, politics..." says Andrew Matthews, who wrote Being Happy, Follow Your Heart, Being A Happy Teen and most recently, Happiness Now.

"Some people would rather be right than happy. They think to themselves, 'I am going to keep this argument going till you admit I am right.' Or, they think, 'I won't talk to you till you admit you were wrong'. Once you are prepared to accept that you don't have to be right, it takes an enormous load off your shoulders.

"I have found that the happiest and most effective people welcome employees, partners and just people in their lives who don't see things the way they see it. They celebrate this difference of perception. So try saying to your partner, colleague or family member, 'You and I do not need to agree. The different ways we see things is what makes our relationship/friendship so interesting.' You will find you are so much happier when you throw out this whole idea of needing to be right."

So what if your neighbour supports a loser football team? Or your mother-in-law cooks with too much salt? Or your best friend thinks her ice-cream-only weight loss plan will really work? It is not your mission to change other people or to change the world. When you can see this and accept it, there will be less reason for tempers to flare.

5 Rules for Fighting Friendly
These are universal ground rules that can be applied to any situation with anyone of any age. You are probably well aware of these guidelines, but they can be so easily forgotten in the heat of the moment.

1 SHOW RESPECT Respect and empathise with the other person's position. Matthews advises, "You will stop pushing against them."

2 LISTEN Stop and genuinely listen. Don't interrupt. Don't shout. "When we are desperate to be heard, we shout at people. And the louder we shout, the less they hear. Strangely, the opposite works. People pay attention to us when we listen," writes Mattews in Happiness Now.

3 AGREE TO DISAGREE Accept that both parties don't have to agree and it is useful to say it. Matthews sums it up, "There are three alternatives when you argue. Firstly, you can come together with different views and get angry and disagree. Secondly, you can find a way to agree. Or thirdly, you can agree that nobody needs to agree."

4 ACKNOWLEDGE THE GOOD STUFF Don't ignore the positive issues in the topic you are discussing. "In life, you find what you look for. IF you look for good things, you find them. If you look for faults, you find them."

5 DON'T UNDERESTIMATE PEOPLE OR CHILDREN "Children are very accepting. They are without prejudice." If you talk to a child with honesty, respect and love, you are more likely to have a happier outcome. And the same is true when dealing with adults.

Disagreeing With Your Younger Child
Scenario Your six-year-old refuses to go to bed at the allocated bedtime. It is the same old story every night and those same old pleas for "just five minutes more" are beginning to grate on your nerves.

What to Consider "I hear a lot of parents saying... 'I want to be a friend to my children.' But their kids already have friends. They don't need more friends. They need parent who will help them make difficult decisions. They need parents who will lay down rules because they love and care for them. And they need parents who will love them no matter what," says Matthews.

What seems to be refusal to listern or comply with household rules is a testing game that children and even adults play. They test to see how far they can go. How much they can get away with. "Children test you to see where the boundaries lie. What they are really looking for is someone to be strong and reliable. They want us to be strong leaders, someone they can look up to. There is a sense of security in knowing that someone will put their money where their mouth is."

What You Should Do "Kids have enormous resilience and determination. If they want something, they don't quit. Their persistence is really something to be admired and endured," says Matthews in Being Happy. So follow their lead and stick to your guns. And don't underestimate your child's ability to empathise and to reason. Explain to your child why she needs her sleep. Appeal to her softer side by telling her that mummy and daddy have had a long day and need to rest, too. Keep at it. Learn from their determination. "If insurance salesmen did their training in kindergarten, maybe 98 per cent of them wouldn't quit in the first 12 months."

Disagreeing With Your Teenager
Scenario Your teenage son has been pestering you to buy him a top-of-the-line mobile phone because "everyone else has one". You've come to the point where you've found yourself spouting your mother's oft used line when you were a teenager, "And if everyone jumped off a cliff..."

What to Consider"A mobile phone, designer jeans, $300 sneakers... kids will always pester their parents for stuff. Whether they are five or 15 years old, they believe there is an endless supply of money. They have no concept of budgeting or how much it takes to run a household."

What You Should DoMatthews says, "Firstly what you should not do is five the classic line, 'When I was your age...'. To any teenager, this is irrelevant. Instead, when your teenager asks for, say, an expensive mobile phone, say to him, 'Do you have five minutes? I'd like to show you something.' Then show him real proof of what it takes to run the household. Give him the hard facts. Be honest and upfront and he'll do the math and see how a costly mobile phone figures into the large scheme of things. He will appreciate being included and treated with respect by you. There is no value in creating an illusion that the supply of money is infinite. Kids have empathy and they are smart. Bring them on your side by treating them with respect."

Disagreeing With Your Spouse
Scenario Your husband says he'll be home for dinner but he shows up three hours later reeking of alcohol and mumbling an excuse about "drinks with the guys".

What to Consider In his book, Follow Your Heart, Matthews gives this example. "Fred is due home at 6pm, and he is already two hours late. Mary is worried sick. 'What's happened to my Fred?' At 8.15pm, Fred walks in the door. On seeing that he is healthy and all in one piece, she screams at him as if to say, 'If you are going to come home this late, you could have at least had an accident!' Fred begins to shout and Mary switches to the dreaded silent treatment. SOon they quit talking to each other altogether."

Matthews explains that there is connection between love and fear. "A Course in Miracles points out that we have two principal states of mind - love and fear. It suggests that fear is the source of our negative emotions." So in the scenario where the husband returns home late only to find an angry wife, Matthews says, "It's really not about the ruined meal or him coming home late. She's mad at him because she is scared. She's scared that he could have had an accident. She's scared that he doesn't care about her. Her anger is the manifestation of her fear."

What You Should Do"So how is this fear/love concept useful? It enables us to be more honest with ourselves. And we discover we are usually not upset for the reasons we think. We need to honestly ask ourselves what we are afraid of when we experience anger or any intense negative emotion. Admitting our fears helps us to explain our feelings to people we care about. Instead of disagreeing about spoilt dinners, you say with all honesty, 'I'm angry because I am scared when you are late. I shout and scream because I don't know what I would do if something happened to you.' When we admit our fears, we move away from making other people wrong. Admitting vulnerability beats hurling abuse. And when you show this vulnerability, you will find tremendous support from your husband or wife."

Disagreeing With Your Parents
Scenario Your parents love to spoil your kids with too many sweets and chocolates. You have tried to tell them to stop doing this but their reply is always the same, "Where's the harm in a few sweets...". You are beginning to wonder how to stand your ground in the face of the sugar-loading grandparents.

What to Consider "Families were invented to teach us about unconditional love," writes Matthews in Follow Your Heart. 'You can leave your colleagues at the office and your buddies at the bar. But with families it's different. You are stuck with these people who now how to push all your buttons - and you have to learn to love them anyway."

What You Should Do"Firstly, when dealing with family members, especially your parents, remember to recognise the good intentions behind the actions. Acknowledge the good that they have done for you and your children by saying, 'I'm touched that you always remember to bring something for the kids whenever you visit.' Secondly, bring them on your side by making a sincere request not a criticism of their behaviour or their actions. So you could say to them, 'But I am concerned that they may become spoilt by your generosity. You never spoilt me and I truly appreciate that. So I hope you will help me do as good a job with my kids as you did raising me.' You and your parents probably have many points of agreement when it comes to raising children. When you acknowledge these and listen to their points of view, it helps keep emotions from escalating."


TIPS For Keeping Cool When Tempers Rise
Before the blood starts pounding in your head and you say something you might regret, try these three simple strategies Andrew Matthews suggests in Happiness Now.

• Humility helps! Angry people tend to believe that (a) they are more important than everyone else, and (b) that they are always right. When they don't get what they want, they get angry. Relax a little. Allow for others to sometimes get what they want.
• Decide what is really important in your life, say, on a scale from one to 10. You might rank having enough food to eat as nine out of 10. You might rank having a job at seven, idiot drivers at two and slow lifts at zero. When you have things in perspective, you don't get upset over details.
• Accept what is. Angry people love to argue with reality! They say things like, "It shouldn't be raining!" or "Thieves shouldn't steal!" It is a waste of energy. When you argue with reality, reality wins!

Extracted from Family:December 2005

In-Laws . Your Survival Guide

Terrible in-laws? Survive them by applying a little psychology, say the experts.

Your husband or wife is a dream. But why, oh why, do his or her folks have to be walking nightmares? If your in-laws make the Addams Family seem sweet, married life can be a minefield.

Don't despair. According to the experts, you can survive your in-laws, simply by applying a little psychology.

The problem, which you have probably suspected for years, is that in-laws can actually make you ill. when Dr Thomas Holmes, professor of psychiatry at the Univeristy of Washington, ran tests on 394 volunteers to see what effect major family events had on their health, he included in-laws.

"We showed that simply discussing an impending visit by a disliked mother-in-law, say, could cause physiological change indicative of a diseased state," he said.

Dr Holmes took cell samples from patients' nasal membranes while they were in a "neutral state". Then, researchers discussed a life situation, such as expecting a visit from in-laws.

"We noticed that the patient would begin to react. The tissue in the nose would get red, wet and swollen," he said. "At that point, we took a second biopsy. The comparison showed the nasal tissues had changed.

"They were just like those you would find in the course of developing a nasal disease - a cold. Patients mentioned their mothers-in-law so often that we came to consider them a common cause of disease."

So, is a mother-in-law really the meddlesome monster that comedians and cartoonists make out - or is she one of the most misunderstood people in the world?

The truth is that more than one couple in three in the West have mother-in-law trouble, according to recent surveys. Three quarters of this number get along "fairly well", either by keeping a kind of armed truce or "walking on eggs" when the situation gets strained.

As for the rest, the relationship ranges from cold war to open hostility.

The problem with mother-in-law who become meddlesome, say socialogists, is that their lives have completely centred round their children. When their son or daughter marries, they suddenly find themselves with no purposeful activity. Time on their hands offers an opportunity to focus solely on what you are doing.

If there was ever a manual for mothers-in-law, it should contain the following golden rules, say experts.

• Cultivate some absorbing outside interests when your children marry.
• Maintain a hands-off policy and let them live their lives.
• Restrain yourself from giving unasked-for-advice.
• Never say: "I told you so."
• Remember that children need time to adjust to marriage - and they can best work it out without interference.

Interfering in-laws not only impose unwanted pressure on couples, but also make them secretly question their attitude to each other. Will your partner one day become like mum or dad and stop being the person you know and love? There are two-way fears.

"It's worth remembering that, while you have to put up with your in-laws' eccentricities, (your spouse) had to put up with your parents' ways," says Dr Beverly Steffert of Britain's Institute of Psychiatry. "Your other half may feel just the same.

"Patterns may be set in families, but we're individuals, too. We don't have to become our parents, even if we do take on some of their traits."

The key to avoiding in-law trouble is to prevent tensions building up by tackling problems as they happen. Despite your best efforts, you will have arguments. It wouldn't be natural if you didn't.

Often, they are over trivial things - older folk find it harder to tolerate the mess of children, for instance. The knack is avoiding situations where one generation feels they are always giving in to the other.

Life at home can become a sanctuary away from in-laws. When they move in, it can turn into a pressure cooker.

"Even a simple thing like which TV programme to watch can cause arguments," says Zelda West-Meads of Relate, formerly Britain's Marriage Guidance Council. "If you can provide some degree of separateness, so much the better."

For instance, you can turn your bedroom into a living room apart. If you can't do this, you must plan how you are going to go about day-to-day living.

Have a family conference and put forward suggestions. You won't meet all of them and you will have to compromise, but this is better than just letting things happen. It avoids a situation where problems build up and one person feels they are always giving way.

"Everybody needs privacy and it can be fatal if you are always together," says Zelda. "In-laws should be aware that there are times when a younger couple will want to be alone. They should not feel hurt or rejected when it is suggested that they go out, so that the young couple can relax with friends of their own age.

"A couple should not take it for granted that the in-laws will always be prepared to act as unpaid babysitters. There will be times when they will be happy to do so, but they have their lives to live too.

"Couples often feel inhibited when a parent moves into their homes. Don't be afraid to carry on being affectionate towards each other, to touch or sit next to each other on the sofa if that's what you like doing," Zelda adds.

"And try to arrange it so that your bedroom is not next door to your in-laws." That really kills passion! - IPS



QuIcKtIpS
Event he best marriages aren't immune from in-law problems. Relatives can stir up trouble in any marriage, but you can keep them from wrecking relationships with a few expert psychological tips.

Here's what Dr Frederic Flach, professor of psychiatry at Cornell University, recommends:

• BE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER "This is the most important single step you can take to prevent relatives from wrecking your marriage. By trusting each other, being loyal to each other always and putting your marriage above all other family ties, you will build a union no relative can damage."
• BE DIPLOMATIC Remember, your partner can say things about his or her family that you can't. Join in the criticism and your partner might turn on you.
• WIN YOUR RELATIVES OVER Make them your friends, remember their birthdays, offer to do little favours for them. You'll build a reputation among your in-laws as being friendly, dependable and eager to help.
• HAVE A "FOREIGN POLICY" If war looms, follow the example of government. Keep relations open by being personally polite. Don't stop seeing "problem" relatives, but limit your visits. "By doing this, you are defusing the problem and never allowing the unpleasantness to affect your marriage," Dr Flach says.

Extracted from Family:May 2005

Talk! Even a Little Goes a Long Way

Skillful communication between a couple can enhance a harmonious relationship or smoothen a strained one. Sadly, many of my clients who seek counselling for their marital challenges often cite ineffective communication as major problem. There are ways a couple can improve in this area, and I have found the following to be useful:

1. See another perspective Occasionally say "Maybe you're right" in a conversation that involves an exchange of views. Do not be surprised if the statement is as powerful as "I love you".
2. Tone down Some people have the misguided belief that talking much and often equates good communication. I once asked a couple in counselling what they would like to see changed in the other, and the husband said: "I'd like her not to talk too much and too loudly. It's very tiring and annoying."
3. Show appreciation Express your appreciation. By the same token, be aware that the lack of such can lead to an upset partner who may say: "I'm fed up with her complaining that I have not done this and that. What about the things I have done?"
4. Avoid generalisations Statements like: "You are always late" or "You don't care about your children" put your partner on the defensive and invite retaliation.
5. Tamper your expectations Very often, wives complain their husbands are so quiet that they feel concerned and even suspicious. If you force a reserved man to talk, he may become resentful. Pay attention to non-verbals that show he does care. One wife, when asked to list one positive quality about her husband, said: "Although he hardly speaks, I feel touch whenever he helps out with the children's studies despite his busy schedule."
6. Listen When you listen to your partner, he/she feels acknowledged, accepted and respected. He/she is then likely to return your courtesy by willingly and actively listening to you too.
7. Beopen and honest This may trigger an emotional bond or enhance an existing one. But weigh the consequences, because sometimes a well-intentioned gesture can backfire, eg. if you confess that you have been giving monthly allowances to your siblings, your wife may conclude your family is imposing.

A skillful balance between verbals and non-verbals that meets the needs of respect, appreciation, care and concern, understanding, encouragement, validation and admiration can go a long way towards promoting and maintaining a healthy relationship. Find your optimum balance and accept it graciously.


Psychotherapist Ang Thiam Hong, authour of Couple Communications, is a family counsellor in private practice. For enquiries, please call Tel: 6235 1250 or visit www.taracounselling.com



Extracted from Family:March 2005

How to Communicate with Him when You are the Breadwinner?

To help your husband live more harmoniously with your fatter paycheck,

• NEVER USE IT AGAINST HIM Don't equate money with power. "If you fight, don't use the money issue to put him down," Dr Richard Lim advises.
• WATCH YOUR TONE Earning more doesn't mean your voice gets louder. It's good thing you're bringing home more because it means you can put aside more for a rainy day or indulge in your passions, says Dr Lim. "However, if your attitude or tone is bad, it will affect his ego. Show him respect as the head of the household."
• MAKING MORE DOESN'T MEAN SHOULDERING MORE Allow your husband to shoulder half the household expenses, Dr Lim advises. "This will make him feel better about himself." If he's not making enough to maintain a minimum standard of living, but don't pamper him too much either. "Don't create an environment where he feels he doesn't need to do anything any more. You must teach him some responsibility," he adds.

Text: Nanny Eliana

Extracted from Family:March 2005